Fears | Monica Buckles

Category Archives: Fears

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It must be spring

April 23, 2008 – 10:26 am

It seems that all the blogosphere talk has shifted towards babies. Everywhere I turn people are talking about having a baby, being pregnant, or considering becoming pregnant. I think it’s great. I love hearing about everyone’s families.

I have a few friends who have recently announced they are expecting and I couldn’t be happier for them. I must admit I’m feeling a little left out. It is a strange feeling being 31 and having your youngest and last baby turn 5. Part of me says I’m to old to have anymore, and part of me can’t believe that I’m done. At this point the idea of starting all over is to overwhelming to think about, but the idea of the next baby in the family being my grandchild is even scarier. My daughter turned 13 this year and it seems like life is flying by way to fast. If she follows our families pattern I could be a grandmother in about 6 more years. How scary is that?

The idea that my youngest will be in kindergarten next year, and I could choose to do something for myself like go back to school is a wonderful thought. I am feeling free to pursue things I’ve always wanted to do, but is this a selfish thing? The idea of him being in kindergarten also scares me. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I remember. My job has always been to take care of my little ones and now I feel like that is coming to an end. If I’m not just my kids mom anymore then who am I? Dad’s have it easier because they also have there career as part of there identity. I’ve been a wife and mother only, and wonder what else am I?

This may seem like a pity party, but it’s not. I really am enjoying the idea of having options for my future. I just don’t know what I want more, freedom in my day, or more babies to cuddle.

So tell me how did you know if you were done or if there were more babies meant for you?

By Monica | Also posted in Family, Friends, Kids, Me, Random Thoughts | Comments (3)

Conquering Fear

November 14, 2007 – 5:45 pm

When I was little my dad took up hunting. He started with a cross bow when I was real young. I have vague memories of it sitting behind my parents head board of their bed. When I was a little older he started hunting with shot guns and taking my brother along.

One year after Ash and I had been married for a few years my dad invited him on a hunting trip. In our family this was a very big deal. They loaded up the motorhome and headed for eastern Washington for 3 days of fun. It turned out to be a trip from hell.

Shortly after arriving my brothers friend, who my dad had told to stay close by wandered off and got lost. They searched in the howling wind and snow until around 2 in the morning when they finally located him. He was frightened, but not hurt.

It continued to snow all night and the snow began to pile up rather deep. The next day they headed out hunting in thigh deep snow. By mid morning my brother (the avid hunter) was whining like a baby along with everyone else, except for Ash. The next two days were much the same everyone was miserable and wanted to go home, the only problem with that was the pass had been closed due to excessive snow and they were stuck. Along with being stuck my dad had injured his back, and there was wrong with the motorhome, and it wasn’t running right.

After much debate, and a few phone calls home they decided to drive around the pass through Oregon. This made the trip much longer, and they also had to go through the Dalls which can be very windy. They crept along slowly and finally made it home safe.

My dad told me after that trip he had a new found respect for Ash. He has brought it up often through the years that Ash was the only one that didn’t complain. This was a bonding moment for my hubby and my dad. Although Ash didn’t ever complain about it he didn’t volunteer to go again.

The funny thing about growing up in a house full of hunters (my mom and sisters even joined in) is I’m completly terrified of guns. This has got to be my all time biggest fear. Even now just thinking about it makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my hands shake. I’ve never touched a gun and had no intentions of going near one. Ash and I have had many discussions about him wanting to buy a gun, but I absolutly won’t have one in my house.

While Corey was home from Iraq this past week the whole family decided that for family night, and Veterans day that all the adults would go to the gun range and shoot guns. I didn’t want to be left behind so I decided to conquer my fear and go.

Well to make a long story a little shorter, I made it. I did it, and I didn’t even pass out or throw up. I will admit that I was in tears just trying to hold the gun, but I did it and I have pictures to prove it.