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* I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago, but held onto in because I wasn’t ready to share with the world.

A bad day would be an understatement! Today my dad went in for open heart surgery. He is actually under the knife as I type this. This came as a surprise. Yes he does have a family history of heart problems but he is only in his 50’s. The surgeon will be replacing 5 out of his 6 arteries.

Just for fun to make this day even worse my husband lost a major contract. He works with a family business and it was his brother who told him “his services were no longer required”. He gave us no notice, and I don’t even know if we are getting a paycheck tomorrow (even though he did work those 2 weeks). Oh and by the way he did it through email, can you believe that?

Then to top it all off I have to go and put a smile on my face and teach Enrichment Night tonight.

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As many of you know “07″ wasn’t very kind to our family. If I could I would erase it from history and pretend the whole year just didn’t happen. Since that is not possible we are just moving on and making the most of a new year.

Among many horrible events of “07″ there is one that sticks out the most. For the first time in my life I got an up close look at cancer and what an ugly horrible disease cancer is. I very unexpectedly lost my biological father to cancer. This came just weeks after my mother-in-law found out she had breast cancer.

Loosing my dad was a huge shock, I didn’t even know he was sick. I just got a phone call one day that he had died. I missed the chance to say goodbye, and maybe resolve old issues.

The loss of my dad also made my mother-in-laws cancer uncomfortably real. I don’t deal well with things I can’t fix so I threw myself into caring for her the best way I knew how. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran errands, I took her to her appointments, and I prayed a lot.

I watched as cancer took everything from her, first her hair and slowly it robbed her of her ability to even get out of bed. Through it all she was a tower of strength and dignity. She was worried about how her kids and grand kids would react to her bald head. It didn’t bother us any, and she slowly started going without a wig more and more. We laughed and joked with her about the situation and she helped get all of us through it. My hubby even suggested she dress up like Uncle Fester from the Adams Family for Halloween.

After 9 long months she beat it. She worked really hard at getting her strength back, and is now in London with my father in law on a church mission. I’m sure she would say that all she went through was worth it to be where she is now. We are truly blessed to still have her with us, and to have her healthy enough to serve the way she is.

This year in honor of my wonderful mother-in-law and all the other brave women battling this ugly disease our family will be running in the Susan G. Komen breast cancer race in Salt Lake city. The race will be on May 10th at the Gateway mall. If you want to join the fun you can register here online.

I am in no way ready to run a 5k, yes I am that out of shape. I am setting my standards very low. My goal is to finish the race. I think that one I can manage. I will be running with my sister-in-law, my 13 year old daughter, and many friends who are joining the cause. I hope to never have to deal with cancer again although I know this is very unlikely.

It seems that all the blogosphere talk has shifted towards babies. Everywhere I turn people are talking about having a baby, being pregnant, or considering becoming pregnant. I think it’s great. I love hearing about everyone’s families.

I have a few friends who have recently announced they are expecting and I couldn’t be happier for them. I must admit I’m feeling a little left out. It is a strange feeling being 31 and having your youngest and last baby turn 5. Part of me says I’m to old to have anymore, and part of me can’t believe that I’m done. At this point the idea of starting all over is to overwhelming to think about, but the idea of the next baby in the family being my grandchild is even scarier. My daughter turned 13 this year and it seems like life is flying by way to fast. If she follows our families pattern I could be a grandmother in about 6 more years. How scary is that?

The idea that my youngest will be in kindergarten next year, and I could choose to do something for myself like go back to school is a wonderful thought. I am feeling free to pursue things I’ve always wanted to do, but is this a selfish thing? The idea of him being in kindergarten also scares me. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I remember. My job has always been to take care of my little ones and now I feel like that is coming to an end. If I’m not just my kids mom anymore then who am I? Dad’s have it easier because they also have there career as part of there identity. I’ve been a wife and mother only, and wonder what else am I?

This may seem like a pity party, but it’s not. I really am enjoying the idea of having options for my future. I just don’t know what I want more, freedom in my day, or more babies to cuddle.

So tell me how did you know if you were done or if there were more babies meant for you?

(Disclaimer: Ash uses the word sexy A LOT. He says things like “look at that car, that’s sexy” and “our new TV is sexy”, things like that.)

Cole:Â “Mom what does sexy mean?”

Me: ” Um, sexy is when something looks really good.”

Cole: “Oh, ok I’m going to go put on my sexy socks.”

Happy 5th Birthday Sugar Bear!

So I asked for suggestions on what I could write about, and I got a couple of great ideas. Lucky says that I should write about my childhood, but I don’t have interesting stories like getting run over by a taxi while laying in the middle of the road on a speed bump like she does. Really you should ask her about it sometime.

Compulsive writer suggested that I write a year in review, and since it is New Years Eve I thought that wasn’t a bad idea. The problem with that idea is that we had a really REALLY horrible year that I have so generously spared you the details of.

I think a year in review is the perfect way to say goodbye to a horrible year. If you choose to click away now I would totally understand. If your still with me here we go.

January started out as a total whirlwind. January is our busy season (we do wedding trade shows) and we worked even more than usual. My hubby travels about half the month, but this year he was gone the whole month except for a few days when he was home in passing. So I spent the month playing single mother, while putting out fires at work. Ash spent the month in airports, and hotels.

January spilled into February, and although life was suppose to slow down we found ourselves working 7 days a week through all of February. Ash was asked to speak at conferences so he ended up out of town about half of February.

March came, and we were ready for life to get back to normal for a while, but it didn’t happen. While going to the doctor for a physical so she could put in her mission papers, my mother in law found out she had breast cancer. When they went in to do the surgery they found that it had spread through her lymph nodes and was worse than they thought.

By April we decided that we were in desperate need of a family vacation. There was a huge divide between us and the kids because we had been in survival mode for so long. We set off for southern California to hang out in the sun, swim in the pool, and be with Ash’s mom while she recovered from surgery and began chemotherapy. The day after we got there I received a phone call that my dad had passed away.

My dad left before I was 2 years old, and only made brief appearances in my life for the next 18 years (that is probably a post for another day). I never realized how much pain and grief I could feel for the loss of a man a barely new. I grieve the loss of opportunity to spend what little time I had with him. I find myself angry at those who kept my dad from being part of my life (his second wife). I once read another bloggers post about her dad, and she said she felt like she had “a dad shaped hole in her heart”, and that’s how I felt.

The next few months are a blur, as I put my head down and avoided life. I trudged through every day until the dark skies finally parted.

In June Ash got me a new puppy, that I love.

In July my mother and father-in-law moved to Utah, and I threw myself into taking care of her to distract myself from my own pain and problems. I cooked, cleaned, and ran errands for her while taking her to many appointments for her cancer treatment. We also had 3 teenage nephews come and stay with us. Two of them came for 10 days and the third stayed for 6 more weeks until mid August. We had a great time, and it was a wonderful distraction, but was also very tiring.

August was spent entertaining the nephews, and showing them all over Utah. I went to Cub Scout day camp with my Wolf den. During lunch I got a phone call that my mother-in-law had a seizure and was on her way to the hospital by ambulance. She ended up ok she had a few stitches and a huge black eye but over all she was fine. They did take her license away for six month so we started having to drive her everywhere.

At the end of August we decided to try another family vacation since our last attempt was a total disaster so we left for Hawaii. Ash and I have promised the kids a trip to Hawaii for years (Ash is from Hawaii). We can’t mange a family vacation without a major disaster, and this one was no different. We had a earthquake, and a hurricane during our trip.

Is anyone still with me?

Well next comes September, and September is our second really busy season so Ash was gone the whole month, and half of October to. By September I realize that we need to make some major changes and I started doing some serious soul searching.

October brought still more craziness, but attending the temple while Ash was out of town, and a lot of scripture reading brought a little peace to my life.

I got a phone call in mid October from Ash’s brother in Iraq asking me if I knew what had happened to his friend Ben. I will spare you the details, because I wrote about it here and here, but after a little detective work I found out that Ben had been in an accident, and was now a quadriplegic, and I spent the next few weeks at the ICU helping out as much as I could.

November was spent at the hospital doing what I could.

Mid November the bishop called me in to let me know that he was going to release me from my calling because he thought I needed a break.

In December family relationships came to a full boil (because of the family business) and we decided that it is time to leave the family business and do something else. I know this is the right thing to do, but it makes our future a little unsure. I have faith that the Lord will take care of us, but I don’t know what the next few months will hold for us.

If this whole post isn’t pathetic enough I’m spending New Years Eve taking care of my hubby, who is horribly sick.

I’m sure by now I have lost you all with my whining, but on the off chance that anyone is still reading this I need to throw in a few good things that happened this year.

1. Sadie went to the temple to do baptisms for the first time.
2. I discovered weight watchers, and have lost 22lbs
3. Ash met one of his idols Seth Godin (who shaved his head)
4. We went to Hawaii
5. My mother in-law finished chemo and radiation and appears to be doing well
6. My mother and father in-law got a mission call to London and will be leaving in February.
7. My children are healthy
8. We had a very generous friend donate a $200 gift certificate for Christmas to Ben and his family.
9. We raised about $2,000 at a benefit dinner for Ben.

Here is hoping for a better new year.

Happy New Year everyone!

Christmas is in full swing at our house, and the kids are beside themselves with excitement. My middle child is by far the most excited. He only wants one thing for Christmas, but if he didn’t get it he might be totally bummed.

Ash and I FINISHED Christmas shopping last night for our kids. Yeah! We had a good time while grandma stayed home and watched the kids. It is such a relief to be done.

I tease Ash that he is “Bah Humbug” about Christmas, which really isn’t true he just hates all the fuss about presents and Santa and that stuff. So yesterday while shopping I found the cutest sign for him that says it perfectly.

Cute huh! Anyway because we don’t like to get wrapped up in the what are we getting for Christmas nonsense we have always tried really hard to make the giving part the fun part. We spend a lot of time doing fun Christmas activities like making Gingerbread houses with grandma, and visiting the lights at Temple Square. This year we decided to try the Polar Express up in Heber. It was a lot of fun. The kids really liked it, even our 12 year old. The price was a little steep, but I think it was worth it. Oh and did I mention that Dallin H. Oakes just happened to be on the train to.

Kids and their cousins with Santa on the train.

 Dallin H Oakes talking with the kids.

Hope everyone is having a great holiday season. Merry Christmas!

I went yesterday to see Ben and Megan’s new baby. He is to cute. Let me introduce Curt Corey Benjamin Brust.

We have been clocking a LOT of work hours for a pretty long time now, and need to find a better balance to life. We have decided the last few weeks to take at least half of our Saturdays off, and do something fun with the kids. This past Saturday we took the kids and headed up to Salt Lake to see the children’s museum at the Gateway mall, and check out the Robots exhibit. (My oldest was thrilled ;0)

I haven’t ever been to the children’s museum in Salt Lake, but we really enjoy the one in Palm Springs, and the one in Seattle as well, so it sounded fun. It wasn’t bad, but the Robots exhibit was a little disappointing. There wasn’t much to do except line up dominoes, which my kids could do at home. The rest was just a lot of looking at displays, and watching short videos about how robotics works or how they made the movie Robots.

The rest of the museum was fun. We enjoyed the TV studio, and sending messages back and forth through a tube and a laundry line. Cole loved playing in the water down stairs, and shooting balls through a tube in the garden area.

Dallin took the news cast very serious, but Cole not so much. He was to into seeing himself on TV.

After the museum I talked Ash into going to the Festival or Trees in Sandy. We had a great time looking at all the beautiful trees, but I forgot to take pictures. Maybe next time.

Wow I just had the scariest experience EVER. I don’t even know If I can write about it in complete sentences, because I’m still shaken up. Yesterday I went to pick Ash up from the airport (very common occurrence lately) and when I got there 20 minutes late he wasn’t out front waiting. I called his cell phone and it went strait to voice mail which either means it’s off or he is on it (I thought probably on it).

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I left the kids in the car on the curb (with Sadie to babysit, and the doors locked, with the cell phone) and decided he was probably waiting inside where it is warm. When I got inside and looked around his flights baggage carousel he wasn’t there so I went and talked to the airlines baggage counter. The incompetent nice airline employee asked if she could help me.

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ME: Yes, my husbands flight just got in and he wasn’t on it could you look into it for me.

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Employee: Yes mam that flight has already arrived.

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ME: Um yes, but he wasn’t on it could you please check if he ever checked in for the flight.

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Employee: Oh, ok. Sure.

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Employee: (after rapid typing) No we don’t show he ever checked in, sorry.

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ME: (thinking: what do you mean sorry, find out more) OK what about his flight from Honolulu to Phoenix did he ever get on that plane.

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Employee: We don’t show that that plane ever took off.

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ME: (a little louder now) What do you mean it never took off? If it didn’t take off he would have called me.

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Employee: I’m sorry that’s all the information I have.

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Seriously people do you think that is an acceptable answer? I mean my husband is missing, and all I get is a “I’m sorry I can’t help you.”

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So from there she tells me that even though we bought the flight through them, they contract another airline to fly to and from Honolulu, and that I will have to call and talk to them (she doesn’t even offer to call for me, or give me the number.). I go back out to the car where my kids are asking where is daddy and all I can say is I don’t know. I call 411 and get the other airlines number but can’t get a human on the phone so I’m stuck talking to a computer and after 20min all I find out that my husbands direct flight from Honolulu to Phoenix left Honolulu at 2:30 am (3 hours late) and arrived in Kana Pali. Kana Pali what the hell is that?

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By now It’s been about 45min and still no answers. I decided to drive around and park and go into the airport to the other airlines counter dragging all 3 kids who by now are panicking to, and not leave until I get an answer. When I get into the airport not only do they not have a counter for that airline, but nobody has even heard of that airline (not reassuring).

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By now I’m not only hyperventilating, but I’m pissed. I march up to the original airlines counter and explained (to a lady who wasn’t doing anything at the time) the situation and the witch nice lady tells me that if I want to get in the back of the line she would be happy to help me as soon as it was my turn. Seriously people! By now I’m starting to worry that they are going to have to arrest me for making a scene in the airport. I (in a very loud tone) told her that no I would not get to the back of the line, that I had been in the airport now for over an hour and a half, and she damn well better start giving me some answers. (Oh and by the way I had talked to Ash’s dad on the phone and he explained that Kana Pali was in Maui, and that the only reason for stopping there would be an emergency landing, not helpful.)

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Right about then I got a text message from Ash that he had just landed in Phoenix, and that he would call me in a minute to explain. I burst into tears, and was shaking. I can’t even tell you how scary this was. It turned out that yes they landed in Maui, because they lost a communications antenna, and a 10 min fix turned into 3 hours (after the 3 hours that they spent waiting to take off from Honolulu.). When I asked why he didn’t call, he said he didn’t want to wake me. I explained that waking me would have been better than what I went through, and that from now on he isn’t aloud to fly.

When I was little my dad took up hunting. He started with a cross bow when I was real young. I have vague memories of it sitting behind my parents head board of their bed. When I was a little older he started hunting with shot guns and taking my brother along.

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One year after Ash and I had been married for a few years my dad invited him on a hunting trip. In our family this was a very big deal. They loaded up the motorhome and headed for eastern Washington for 3 days of fun. It turned out to be a trip from hell.

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Shortly after arriving my brothers friend, who my dad had told to stay close by wandered off and got lost. They searched in the howling wind and snow until around 2 in the morning when they finally located him. He was frightened, but not hurt.

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It continued to snow all night and the snow began to pile up rather deep. The next day they headed out hunting in thigh deep snow. By mid morning my brother (the avid hunter) was whining like a baby along with everyone else, except for Ash. The next two days were much the same everyone was miserable and wanted to go home, the only problem with that was the pass had been closed due to excessive snow and they were stuck. Along with being stuck my dad had injured his back, and there was wrong with the motorhome, and it wasn’t running right.

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After much debate, and a few phone calls home they decided to drive around the pass through Oregon. This made the trip much longer, and they also had to go through the Dalls which can be very windy. They crept along slowly and finally made it home safe.

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My dad told me after that trip he had a new found respect for Ash. He has brought it up often through the years that Ash was the only one that didn’t complain. This was a bonding moment for my hubby and my dad. Although Ash didn’t ever complain about it he didn’t volunteer to go again.

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The funny thing about growing up in a house full of hunters (my mom and sisters even joined in) is I’m completly terrified of guns. This has got to be my all time biggest fear. Even now just thinking about it makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and my hands shake. I’ve never touched a gun and had no intentions of going near one. Ash and I have had many discussions about him wanting to buy a gun, but I absolutly won’t have one in my house.

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While Corey was home from Iraq this past week the whole family decided that for family night, and Veterans day that all the adults would go to the gun range and shoot guns. I didn’t want to be left behind so I decided to conquer my fear and go.

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Well to make a long story a little shorter, I made it. I did it, and I didn’t even pass out or throw up. I will admit that I was in tears just trying to hold the gun, but I did it and I have pictures to prove it.

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Corey and I. (I finally stopped crying) If you look real close I hit in the center of the orange, not bad.

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Ash, Corey, and John loading up.

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Gail getting lessons from Corey.

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Ash with a M-4

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Look at me I got brave and shot the M-4.

Halloween is in full swing at our house, and I’m feeling baa-humbug about the whole thing. It’s not that I don’t love Halloween, or any other holiday for that matter, but I hate the busyness of it. Of course since procrastination is my middle name I waited until last night to buy candy, and find a costume.

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Every year my kids ask me what I’m going to be, and I tell them “a grumpy old mommy”. They don’t think that’s very funny, so this year I did go out and get a costume, well sort of. I’ll post pictures later. Since I’m joining in the Halloween crap fun I thought Ash should to, so I made him go out last night and get himself a costume to.

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Halloween just isn’t fair to us Weight Watchers girls. I am totally over my candy addiction except when Halloween rolls around. Wish me luck tonight.

Yesterday my little sis was over, (watching our kids while we went to Park City for the night) and we got into a discussion about how geeky I am becoming because I blog and enjoy reading blogs. Does blogging automatically equal geek?

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Her evidence to prove what a geek I am was that within 3 hours of cutting my hair I had posted a pic of the new do. To my defense though Ash was out of town and I posted that picture totally for his benefit. I know excuses excuses.

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On a more exciting topic (at least for us anyway) today is the big move in day for LDS hospital. This means Ben along with about a hundred others will be shipped over to their new rooms via 85 ambulances. I can’t imagine the undertaking in moving that many sick and injured patience. The new place is great, and he will have a gorgeous mountain view along with a huge flat screen TV and pull out sleeper sofa. Yeah! I watched a bit of the move on the news this morning, and all was going well. We can’t wait to visit him in his new place.

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Even more good news, my theory about ignoring my symptoms worked and I’m feeling much better.

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On a more sad and pathetic note, Ash fractured a bone in his foot. How you ask? He has no idea, he just woke up that way. He’s the only person I know who can get hurt doing nothing. He swears I must beat him in his sleep. I say he needs to at least come up with a good story like he hurt himself while skydiving or something. I hope he gets better soon, I hate seeing him hurt so much.

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Here is a few of my favorite posts for the week.

• Johnny Suede Slept Here by Hola Isabel
• Old People Central by Azucar
• Lois Gets Dragged Kicking and Screaming into the 21st Century by Lois

And I think Adria looks adorable in this.

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We have got a lot of phone calls, and emails from people asking where they can donate money if they can’t make it tonight. Ash has set up an account to take donations, just go to www.ashbuckles.com, and click on the donate button.

Thank you to everyone for your support, we really do have the greatest friends!!! Hope to see a bunch of you their tonight.

OK I’m finally able to let everyone know about the benefit dinner for Ben and his wife Megan. On Tuesday the 23rd (sorry about the late notice) at Biaggi’s Restaurant in Salt Lake city we will be having a benefit dinner. It will be from 4 until 10 o’clock, and the cost is only $10 a person. All proceeds will be going to Ben and his family to help cover medical expenses. If any of you have been to Biaggi’s before you know it is a fabulous restaurant and this price is a real steal. They will be serving Spaghetti Pomodoro, and a salad. Biaggi’s is located at the south east corner of the Gateway mall, and the address is 194 South 400 West.

OK so we just got back from St. George, and we had a great time all except the first night their. Now comes the disclaimer. If you have a weak stomach click away now.

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Really

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I mean it!

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OK anybody still with me?

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So my youngest son woke me up at 4 o’clock in the morning our first night in St George telling me that I needed to change his shirt. In my dazed stupor I asked him why what happened and then I smelt it, and didn’t need to wait for the answer. I staggered out of bed, and ushered him into the bathroom where I flipped on the light to discover that my fear was correct. My son was covered from his chin to his toes (no exaggerating) in POO! Not puke like you might have guessed POO. Really. and he’s almost 5! All I can guess is that he was REALLY REALLY asleep. Don’t worry, this is one thing I didn’t take pictures of.

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It took me an hour and a half to get him, the bathroom, and his bed cleaned up, and then two more days to completely get rid of the smell. By the way, sorry to the owner of the condo who probably would never rent to us again if he finds out what happened. I’m sure I cleaned and bleached away all the evidence.

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So what is the sickest thing your kids have ever done?